Friday, June 16, 2006

George and Jean-Michael's Excellent Adventure


George & Jean-Michael's Excellent Adventure

W sees a documentary by Jacques Cousteau’s son Jean-Michel and shazam! he goes from Destroyer of National Forests and the Arctic Ice Pack to… Savior of Northwest Hawaii!

So have Cousteau documentaries been the missing ingredient all these years? If only he’d seen a Cousteau documentary on Al Qaeda in the Summer of 01! He woulda taken action and the WTC would still be standing! And imagine a Cousteau docu on hurricane threats to the Gulf Coast! Instead of strumming his guitar in the summer of 05, George would have strengthened levees, reformed FEMA, and saved N’awlins.

And would a Cousteau documentary on Saddam have been too much to ask for? Maybe. After all, Cousteau is a wetworld filmmaker and Iraq is dry, VERY dry. Still, maybe it could have been shot from the vantage of Saddam’s swimming pools. Anyhow, if it HAD been shot, and W HAD seen it, then the whole ramp up to war would have gone very differently:

Flashback to September 2002, the Oval Office: “We’ve got to go in there fast, Mr. President, and hit them camel jockeys hard! Shock and awe, shock and awe, shock and awe!”

“Hook ‘em horns, eh, Dick? But I just saw a PBS special and….”

“PBS??! PBS!!!!! That’s commie propaganda, Mr. President! You can’t be watchin’ PBS?! Are you sure this wasn’t a dream? All the TV’s in the White House are locked on Fox.”

“This was a CD, Dick. Cousteau dropped by and showed it himself. According to the pretty movie, Saddam is a paper tiger, the WMD’s are a figment of the Neocon imagination, and Iraq will be a quagmire.”

“Quagmire, Mr. President? You don’t know the MEANING of quagmire.”

“That’s true, Dick, but you’d best not use that tone with me.”

“You’re right. I’m getting very VERY upset. Just a second. Let’s have Karl drop in. You need to talk to a cooler head than mine. Why, I’m so steamed I’m about to blow you away with my quail gun.”

Karl Rove enters. “Mr. President, whatever you saw in that Cousteau documentary, it’s a lie. We MUST invade Iraq. It’s the only chance we have to win the 2002 Congressional elections.”

“But the documentary had pretty pictures.”

“Are you aware, Mr. President, that Jean-Michel Cousteau is FRENCH?”

“Hush yo’ mouf, Turdblossom.”

“French. Just like his father before him.”

“French. Dang.”

“The devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape, Mr. President.”

“What can I do, Karl? My brain’s teeming with French lies! They’re eatin’ me alive!”

“You’re going to need an exorcism, Mr. President. We’ll begin with aversion therapy. You’ll be made to watch Canal Plus 24/7 while being force-fed on brie, camembert, hors d’oeuvres, petit fours, and pate. Then Anne Coulter will give you an electro-sulfuric-acid enema while jamming your head in a bidet and thumping your ass with the Paris phonebook.”

“Anne Coulter? Hmmm. Sounds AWFUL SEXY. … In a witchy, bitchy, skinny, hateful hag kind of a way.”

“Then you will be made to sign a document promising never to watch PBS or Frenchie documentaries again.”

“Halleluia, Karl. I AM saved! Matter of fact, my brain feels washed in the blood of the lamb right now! Them stinky French lies are ALL GONE. I am ready once again to be the WAR PRESIDENT and do what Jesus woulda done: Bomb Baghdad. I’m ready to wage perpetual war on pretty much EVERYthing: Saddam, the environment, the social net, New Orleans.”

“You aren’t faking just to get out of the aversion therapy, are you Mr. President?”

“Honest to god no, Karl! I would have LOVED to get a sulfuric acid enema from Anne Coulter. I’ve dreamed about that for years. Matter of fact, I’d like one in any case. Send her over!”

“But what will Laura say, Mr. President.”

“She’ll say what she’s been thinking but not saying for years, that I’m full of it and that an enema is the best thing that could ever happen to me!”

“I’m getting Coulter on speed dial right now, Mr. President! The sooner you’re purged of all that ails you, the sooner you can get back to saving America from the French, the environment, AND PBS!”