Thursday, January 27, 2005

On the Rack at Rummy Auto Repair



"Rummy Auto. This is Don."
"Hey Don. It's Doug Lane. I was just wondering how my 2003 Invasion was coming along."
"It's still on the rack."
"I'm getting some static. I'm on my cell. It's still in I-RAQ?!
"Sumpin' like that. Mr. Lane. I've got some rough news. Are you sitting down?"
"I am now. This is about the bill, right?"
"How'd you guess?"
"This isn't the first time."
"Well, I'll give it to you straight. We're going to need $80 billion more to get your baby off the rack."
"$80 billion?! What'd you do with the other $150 billion?"
"Some of that went to fix the WMD problem."
"Did you fix it?"
"No problem with the WMD now." (long pause) "In fact, we're even not looking for the WMD any longer."
"But you said the WMD was why the car's been in the shop for 2 years!!!"
"Yep. We searched the car with a fine tooth comb. Then I called the factory a couple days ago. Problem solved. Turns out there ARE no WMD's in the 2003 Invasion. That's why it cost us $150 billion to find 'em. 'Cause there weren't any. As you can imagine, we really gave it the old college try. Go Princeton tiger! But the GOOD news is, we now think we know what's REALLY wrong with your car."
"Go on."
"There's not enough Freedom."
"Not enough."
"Nope. The Liberty Pump's busted."
"A Liberty Pump costs $80 billion?!"
"That's parts AND labor. See, the timing on the Voting Distributor is outta whack. Too much blowback from your Insurgency. The IED’s keep going off.”
"I still don't see how it could cost $80 billion."
"Well, there's also the Black Ops."
"What's that?"
"I can't tell you, 'cept to say it's a factory installed black box. If I told you, somebody from The Company would have to drop by your house and kill you."
"How much of the $80 billion goes to Black Ops?!"
"Sorry, but that information is distributed on a need to know basis."
"I need to know! I'm paying for it!"
"Naww. You're aren't on my list. You aren't cleared to know. You're only cleared to pay."
"I think YOU oughta pay the first $150 billion. After all, YOU'RE the one who thought the WMD's were in there in the first place. YOU'RE the one who warned me the WMD's were about to blow!"
"I know you're upset, Mr. Lane, but you'll never get your Invasion back if you keep talking like that. We'll just leave it on the rack."
"In Iraq?!"
"Sumpin like that."
"Just tell me this…"
"Can you ASSURE me that the car will be fixed after THIS $80 billon?"
"Absofuckenlutely, Mr. Lane."
"Because I'm already out of pocket for a million times the cost of the damn thing….." (thinking) "Who did most of the original fixit work?"
"Well, there's Doug Feith."
"I'd like to talk to him."
"He's not here anymore."
"Where can I talk to him."
"He didn't leave a forwarding number."
"He worked for you for 4 years and he didn't leave a forwarding number?!"
"Then I'd like to talk to Condy Rice. She's the one who warned me there'd be giant white mushrooms blowing outta my tailpipe if I didn't get this work done pronto."
"She's gone, too."
"Where can I reach her?"
" I dunno, she said she was taking a secretarial position over at State Motors. Maybe you can find her in The Yellow Pages."
"How about the owner? Where's he?"
"George? Most of the time, we don't have any more of an idea where he is than he does. He might be in Texas on his ranch. He might out be riding his bike."
"I'm not paying the damn bill till SOMEbody takes responsibility for SOMEthing."
"Then the Invasion's gonna remain IN the shop, on the rack, sir. You broke it. You bought it."
"But I already OWNED it!! Say…..Why didn't you phone the factory and ASK about the WMD's before putting my car on the rack for 2 years…..and counting?"
"We had to try to go ahead and fix your Invasion with what we had, sir. Anyway, the folks at the factory are French and German. We couldn't trust 'em then and we can't trust 'em now."
"Wait a damn second. Didn't YOU used to be German yourself?"
"That how I know you can't trust 'em. Anyway, that was a long time ago. I've been ethnically cleansed since then."
"OK, OK. So it's $80 billion plus $150 billion. I'll pay. I'll pay. I'll just put it on a card. When can I pick up my car?"
"Just as soon as it's ready, sir."
"And when will that be?"
"If I told you, somebody from The Company would have to kill you, sir."
"But these BILLS are killing me. This WAIT is killing me."
"You have to be steadfast, sir, in the pursuit of Freedom. Even if it bankrupts you. Even if it kills you."
"I'd just like to know where the buck stops. I'd just like to find somebody to sue."
"You can sue Colin Powell if you like."
"You mean that guy with integrity that scared me about the WMD's?"
"Yeah. He's no longer with the garage. You're welcome to sue him all you like. But it won't do you any good. He's got empty pockets since we went through 'em. He's morally bankrupt."
"What about that Wolfowitz and Cheney. Didn't they work on the Invasion?"
"It's their operation, sir. They planned the whole thing. But you can't talk to them. Nobody can. They're too busy looking for WMD's in Iran. And if you DID try to talk to 'em…."
"I know, I know. Somebody from The Company would have to kill me."
"At last you're beginning to see the light."
"Is that the light at the end of the tunnel?"
"(Rummy chuckles) Jawohl, Herr Lane. Maybe you're not such a dumkopf after all."