Friday, June 24, 2005

Republicans Do It Deeper.....and Deeper....and Deeper


Sen. Ted Kennedy recently tried to get Donald Rumsfeld to admit that Iraq is a quagmire and the Secretary of Defense has fired back, “The people running around saying Iraq is a quagmire are wrong.”

Afterwards, I ran into Rummy at the Pentagon gym under the Pentagon parking lot---all the generals and admirals and civilian brass swim buck naked down there---and apologized, on behalf of liberals everywhere, for Sen. Kennedy’s rudeness. “I’m sorry he suggested you should resign,” I said.

“Jesus,” he said, as I was about to dive in. “You’re hung like a rhino.”

“Well, I’m a lot younger than you, Mr. Secretary. And I haven’t jumped in yet, so there’s no shrinkage. Probably when you were my age you hadn’t shrunk up and withered away either…..” I didn’t believe it for a second. I was just trying to buck up the old man’s spirits, which I could see were low.

“Son, when I was your age I was hung like a water buffalo, like a tyrannosaurus, like a goddamn blue whale!!!! Anyhow, I CAN’T resign. George won’t LET me resign. I already tried: twice. .... And you should see me on Levitra. You wouldn’t call me me shrunken, then.”

“Whatever, Mr. Secretary. Let’s try to focus on Iraq, OK? If it ISN’T a goddamned quagmire, what is it?”

“It’s the birthplace of Middle Eastern goddamned democracy, that’s what it is. It’s the purple revolution!”


“Don’t you remember all those voters with their purple fingers?”

“But the country has been an abattoir since the election or whatever it was.”

“I’ll thank you not to use any fancy French words around me.”

“Yassuh, Mr. Secretary. But if it’s not an abattoir, what IS it?”

“It’s a situation that’s well in hand.”

“Whose hands?”

“Redblooded American boys’ hands, that’s whose hands!”

“But every day the insurgents are blowing up more and more Iraqis, not to mention more and more Americans.” Mr Rumsfeld gave me a terrible frown, so I decided to change tact. “OK, let’s pretend we Americans DO have the situation under control. When can we hand it over to the Iraqis and get outta there? It’s expensive and bloody to wield that kind of control.”

“It doesn’t help our cause to say we’ll leave by a certain time.”

“So there IS no exit strategy?”

“There was an entrance strategy. And now that we’re there there’s a staying there strategy. But admitting we’re ever going to leave would be aiding and abetting the enemy.”

“So we’re never going to leave? But what about the deficit? What about our climbing casualties? About about the anger in the Moslem World? What about our failure to meet enlistment quotas?”

“Not only are we not going to leave. We’re going to go even DEEPER into Islam.”

“You mean….”

“Yup. We’re going to attack Iran. After all, they REALLY have weapons of mass destruction. Or at least they’re closer to getting them than Saddam was…”

“But occupying Iraq is already bankrupting us and breaking our Army. And Iran is twice as big as Iraq.”

“Yeah, but once we invade Iran, our hands will be so full we won’t even REMEMBER what a pain Iraq is. Remember how invading Iraq made us forget about Afghanistan and Osama?”

“Wow. You really are a dashing and audacious military leader, Secretary Rumsfeld.”

“Thanks. See, attacking Iran will be like giving our military Levitra. We’ll have such a hard on during the invasion that we won’t be able to feel any aches and pains coming from Baghdad.”

“But we can’t constantly take Levitra, can we? Won't we need to take a break sometime?"

“After a nation gets to a certain age, if it still wants to be a standup country, why yes: it has to take Levitra, or Viagra, or Cialis, or something, pretty much all the time. I know I do. I know Bob Dole does. Sometimes I speedball all three at once. Makes me feel like I can conquer the world! It’s the only way to keep breaking on through to the other side.”

“But won’t that be hard on the nation’s heart?”

“Well, I wouldn’t prescribe it for Dick Cheney, if you know what I mean. But this is still a young nation. And its heart can handle it. What this country can’t handle is losing its hard on for war. Long as we’re ready to stay the course and tackle new opponents we’ll be fine.”

“Wow. I guess you are NOT ready to resign, Mr. Secretary.”

“Son, I’ll have a hard on for invading some damn country or other on my deathbed!”

“I just have one last question, Mr. Secretary, then I’ll let you do your laps.”

“Fire away, kid.”

“Did you ever take your hard on into battle yourself?”

“I never got that privilege, son. I was a jet jockey in the mid 50’s, when we unfortunately didn’t have a war. People call me a chickenhawk, but I was DYING to kill a Commie for God. I got caught BETWEEN wars and I’ve been trying to make up for it ever since.”

“Well did ANYbody in your, I mean, in 43’s, administration personally take his hard on into battle? I mean George didn’t, Dick C didn’t, Wolfy didn’t, Doug Feith didn't, Scooter Libby didn't,…..

“You goddamn tootin’! Colin Powell was in Nam…..twice!

“But he’s gone. Condi has his job.”

“Condi was a black girl in the Segregationist South. That’s WORSE than being at war. Anyway, Condi doesn’t have a hard on for war. She’s a woman. Women don’t get hard ons.”

“But Mr. Secretary, even WOMEN are taking Viagra these days.”

“Why?!!! Why the hell would a redblooded American WOMAN take Viagra?”

“Because it’s there? Because they want hard ons for war, too? Because some of them want to be hung like rhinos? Because they’re trying to keep up with redblooded American men?”

“It’s like the arms, race, huh?” said the Secretary. “They’re trying to close the missile gap. Well when you put it that way, more power to ‘em!!!! Now son, this interview is over.” And the Secretary started swimming for the deep end.

“Just one last question, Mr. Secretary.”

“Goddamn it, son! I’m trying to get some exercise!! What IS it?!”

“Will there be another target of opportunity after we attack Iran?”

“There are more than 200 of ‘em out there, boy!”

“Two hundred what?”

“Countries, goddamn it! Enemies! What’s the matter, all the blood drain out of your head and go to your crotch?”

“And after we’ve invaded all 200?”

“Well hell, we can start invading ourselves! We got 50 states, and we can start with the blue ones. We can always attack San Francisco, or Boston, or New York...again. They’re fulla Commies anyhow! In fact, maybe we’ll do that even BEFORE we attack one of our really good friends like Saudi Arabia, or Pakistan, or Uzbekistan. Look how great things worked out the last time New York got attacked! Hell, that was the best thing that ever happened to this country. Put some lead in our pencil.” And the Secretary started swimming again and would answer no more questions, which was fine, because I could think of nothing more to say. Say what you will about the Secretary, there’s no denying he’s dashing, audacious, and knows how to have the last word.