Sunday, October 05, 2003

Stopping the Schwarzennator in His Tracks

"They say it can't stopped, John Connors. They say the Schwarzennator is a cyborg from an earlier, tougher, time----they say the Schwarzennator is a one-man blitzkrieg and the California Democratic Party is Poland, circa September, 1939.""The Schwarzennator," replied John Connors, "is a 3rd Reichsmodel Volksborg made entirely of remanufactured Hummer parts with a steroid-powered control center and a bullet-proof Kennedium exterior capable of surviving any firepower, even the worst revelations about its past personal history.""So no matter how many ladies come forward to testify against it….er, ah….him…..?""That's right, the photo ops with him & his wife Maria will cause all past allegations to bounce off.""But what about Prop 187? He was all for 187.""The Schwarzennator is equipped with a celebrity-lobotomizer. Any Latinos who remember that he voted FOR 187 will be reprogrammed to remember how macho he is and how much they wish THEY had muscles like his and how much they enjoyed T2 and T3. They will then immediately march straight to their nearest polling centers and vote for the recall and for Arnold S.""But that's crazy! The Schwarzennator campaign is being run by the Pete Wilson people, and everyone knows California Latinos hate Pete Wilson.""But not every California Latino knows that the Wilsonians operate the Schwarzennator by remote. In fact, many IDENTIFY with him because he's an immigrant.""No, not possible. He's a Germanic immigrant. That's a whole 'nother thing from being an illegal that managed to sneak under the fence at Calexico… Der Schwarzennator could be a poster child for the Aryan Brotherhood!""Yeah, but he's a movie star. And not one of those poofter Brit escapees from a Merchant-Ivory adaptation, either. He's the PEOPLE's movie star. He has the COMMON touch.""But he makes $50 million dollars a year!""And he used to make nothing. He came to California with nothing, just like Latinos did.""OK, forget about Latinos. What about women? What kind of woman could vote for this guy after she finds out what a Molestennator he is?""Lots of women are turned on and charmed by him. They see him as just the kind of take charge testosterone-loaded nasty boy they'd like to pork under the statehouse rotunda.""They won't be screwing him, he'll be screwing them!""So? Lots of women, in their heart of hearts, LOVE a toughguy with a touch of rough stuff.""OK, forget women. What about family value Republicans? Remember how they hated the Clintonator for his sexual hijinks?""Hated and STILL hate.""OK, fine, whatever. But how can these churchgoing family types vote for a guy who claims he takes part in gangbangs in gyms?""Whenever they start worrying about his sex life, the Schwarzennator radios a signal to their consciences and all they can hear inside their heads is: "We're gonna have a Republican in the statehouse, we're gonna have a Republican in the statehouse.""But I STILL don't understand. There are way more registered Democrats than Republicans in California. How can they possibly vote against themselves?""The Schwarzennator can turn Democrats into Independents and Independents into Republicans and Moderate Republicans into firebreathing Fascists. He comes with a special "compassionate conservative" spin device invented and installed by Karl Rove. It'll make every moderate voter in the state pretend to himself that things are somehow going to be all right with Schwarzennator in the Statehouse, just the way middle-of-the-roaders in 2000 told themselves that things would be all right if the Bushborg moved into the White House." "But he knows NOTHING about governing the state or solving our fiscal problems. He won't even debate.""The Schwarzennator is not DESIGNED to govern. The Schwarzennator is designed to pump iron and mangle the English language and commit acting atrocities, all the while throwing off lethal charisma rays which completely hypnotize his fans.""What'll happen after he's elected and the people find he can't govern?""It doesn't MATTER that he can't govern. California is so hogtied by referendums and initiatives that it is, in any case, ungovernable. Most people won't even NOTICE that he isn't governing or that the Wilsonians ARE governing on behalf of their rich and corporate constituents. It'll be business as usual with the Governator in the wheelhouse, and he'll make a fantastic front man for the fatcats.""Does that mean you expect him to successfully run for RE-election in 2006?""Most definitely. And by then, the new electronic voting machines, which will be controlled directly from a panel installed by Karl Rove in the Schwarzennator's command & control center, or cranium, will have completely annihilated all political opposition to the Republican Party. The only question facing Americans by the time the 2008 Presidential election rolls around will be whether to vote for the Schwarzennator or Jeb Bush.""But the Constitution says foreign-born citizens cannot be President of the United States. Arnold was born in Austria!""But he was remanufactured and cyborgized on Muscle Beach, in Venice, California. He has a Made in USA label stamped on the back of his neck, directly under his barcode.""But he can barely talk?! How can he become President!!""Can W talk? No. People asked the same question about him, and now see where he is.""John Connors, the apocalypse is upon us! Won't you please go back in time to 1976 and nip the Schwarzennazi in the bud? Only YOU can save us!""Sorry. I traded my time-machine in for an H2. I got a $100,000 tax deduction on the mother. I'm campaigning for the Schwarzennator.""But John Connors, the fate of California and the World rides on your shoulders!""It used to, but it got too heavy. I got tired of fighting the Schwarzennator and decided to join him instead.""But you're voting AGAINST yourself! The Schwarzennator is programmed to destroy you!""Yeah, but you gotta admit he's kinda cool for a complete musclehead. Aren't you just a little bit curious to see HOW he will destroy our world?"I noticed something blinking behind John Connors' left ear. It was a tiny L.E.D. screen. I reached out and pressed it and Connors completely shut down. The Schwarzennator team had gotten to him, too! John Connors, the sworn enemy and destroyer of the Schwarzennator, was now a cyborg himself! Suddenly I felt very alone, and very frightened. How many OTHER Californians had been dehumanized and cyborgized by the Schwarzennators? And would it only be a matter of time before they got to you and me?