Saturday, August 30, 2003

Ladies That Lunch & Other WMD's



It has been brought to my attention that traces of highly enriched Iranians have been found in Iran by the International Nuqular Inspection Team. This has been offered as proof that the Iranians are refining Iranian 238 and are well on their way to joining the Nuqular Club.

Let me say this about that: The reason why there are TRACES of highly enriched Iranians in Iran is because the highly enriched Iranians themselves hightailed outta there decades ago, along with the Shah, the most highly enriched Iranian of them all. Twenty years ago, highly enriched Iranians dropped an A-bomb of their own on Beverly Hills, investing $10 billion in real estate and constituting 40% of the enrollment in Beverly Hills' public kindergartens. We are still struggling to recover from that attack.

How did those Iranians get so highly enriched? By sucking billions out of Iran and putting it in their Swiss bank accounts, that's how.

What is the shelf life of highly enriched Iranians? An estimated 4.8 billion years. Other immigrants and ethnic groups assimilate into American life after 3 or 4 or even fewer generations. But the highly enriched Iranians arrived here with their own money and social standing and with a healthy contempt for all things American. They tended to intramarry and turn their backs to the surrounding culture. They didn't NEED to assimilate. They were already highly enriched. And so their traditions continue: Instead of climbing and assimilating their way to the top, they simply shop till they drop.

Are highly enriched Iranians, in the raw unassimilated form, capable of becoming weapons of mass destruction? Yes, especially during disputes over residential property lines and sale items in the Neiman Marcus cosmetics counter. It is advisable never to cross a high enriched Iranian mother-in-law, and it's even wiser never to acquire one in the first place.

What's more explosive? Highly enriched Moslem Iranians or highly enriched Jewish Iranians? They are equally volatile and unstable. They are perhaps at their most dangerous and explosive when being shipped/chauffeured, in immense bulletproof Mercedes, between their Beverly Hills compounds and their mosques and synagogues. If you should happen to have a fender bender or worse with either ethnic group, consider your legal, automotive, and financial life over, sell all your worldly goods for whatever you can get for them, and flee forthwith to an obscure South Pacific island if such a thing exists any more.

The litigation, hair pulling, suits, countersuits, name-calling, finger-pointing, handwringing that always follows such a collision, no matter HOW MINOR, has been conservatively estimated to be as destructive as a 6 kiloton A-bomb, or about one third the explosive power of the bomb which destroyed Hiroshima. The reason so little is known about the financial, legal, automotive, emotional, psychological, social, and spiritual annihilation of those unfortunate enough to have had minor traffic collisions with highly enriched Iranians is that after the secondary explosions which follow the primary collisions, not even minor traces of the highly depleted motorists, not so much as a crater, remain as evidence of the horrific legal, financial, social, & emotional firestorms which vaporized them.

Should the Bush Administration consider sending an expeditionary force to Beverly Hills to root out these potential weapons of mass destruction? With 10 or 11 combat divisions already tied down in Iraq and Afghanistan, the United States Armed Forces do not have the manpower or firepower or litigators to defeat and destroy the deeply entrenched highly enriched Iranians. They may take 4.8 billion years or more to assimilate, but that doesn't mean they're going to leave Beverly Hills without a fight. And a division of Abrams tanks bristling with uranium-hardened shells is no match for legions of highly enriched Iranian gossiper-shoppers toughened by decades of haggling in the jewelry department of Neiman Marcus and led by gimlet-eyed mothers-in-law who are utterly ruthless in defense of their prime shopping and dining areas of operation.

If the highly enriched Iranians cannot be defeated on the ground, can they be knocked out by air power? It is true that several American Air Force and Naval Fields (such as Mugu & Mirador) conveniently ring Beverly Hills and would make bombing that nest of highly enriched Iranians relatively easy. It is also true that Beverly Hills is passé, congested, highly overrated, and richly deserves to be bombed into the Stone Age. The problem is that Beverly Hills is also packed with highly enriched Saudi Arabians, who enjoy the protection of the Bush Administration. If so much as a palm frond of a plant belonging to a Beverly Hills bin Laden is scorched collaterally by a smart bomb dropped on a highly enriched Iranian's mcmansion, there would be hell to pay in the Oval Office.

Then what is the solution? How can the American public live without fear of destruction by highly enriched Iranian weapons of mass destruction? There is no solution. The enemy is within. The threat matrix has not been assimilated and will not be assimilated for at least 4.8 billion years. Society matrons, callgirls, and movie stars haunting the corridors of Neiman Marcus are advised to wear body armor and gas masks at all times and to move in squads of ten or more for their own protection. If you belong to a UCLA or USC sorority, bring all your sisters with you the next time you venture to the rich shopping grounds of Wilshire Boulevard and Rodeo Drive. Admittedly a division of fully armored Abrams fighting tanks doesn't stand a chance against combat-ready and toughened highly enriched Iranian shoppers. But take heart: a phalanx of platinum-card wielding Westside sorority sisters is a match for any shopping force in the world, no matter how highly enriched.