Friday, September 20, 2002

George vs. Adolph


George Vs. Adolph

A German newspaper reported that during a campaign stop, the country's Justice Minister, Herta Daubler-Gmelin, said: "Bush wants to divert attention from his domestic problems. It's a classic tactic. It's one that Hitler also used." (Slate Magazine, 9/20/02)

I’m SHOCKED, SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED, that some over-educated German frau has dared to compare our fearless leader with the worst human in the history of the world, Adolph Hitler. Now it’s true that both men engineered putsches to gain power, Adolph by burning down the Reichstag and George by burning down the Florida electoral process with the help of his brother Jeb and the U.S. Supreme Court. But other than that, it’s really really outrageous to compare George, Jr, and Adolph, and here’s why.

Adolph was a self-made demagogue, hate-monger, and rabble-rouser who roused his fellow rabble in the streets of Germany. George is a consummate aristocrat who was legacied into every job he ever held, including the Presidency. As far as anyone besides his wife Laura knows, he has never roused anything or anyone in his life, including himself.

Adolph came from nothing, or almost nothing. His father was a minor police official in Austria. George’s father was sort of a policeman, too, but there was nothing minor about running the CIA.

Adolph, though he may have been the worst human in history, was a bona fide war hero, having been awarded the Iron Cross or the Brass Wienerschnitzel or whatever while serving as a lowly infantryman in the trenches of World War One. George used his daddy’s influence to leapfrog over more qualified candidates and shoehorn himself into a coveted jet-jockey’s job in the Texas Air National Guard, thus AVOIDING combat in Viet Nam. Only problem was, George’s attendance got kind of shaky partway through his National Guard commitment, which is to say: He went AWOL. But enough of that filthy canard. Anyhow, the records of all this have somehow disappeared, so it never happened, do you hear me? It never happened.

Let’s see. Where were we? Oh yeah, explaining why it was so rotten of that German heifer to dare to compare George and Adolph when they are completely different guys. For example, Adolph was born in the Nineteenth Century, and killed himself, right after getting married, in a Berlin Bunker in the last days of World War Two. George, on the other hand, was born in America AFTER World War Two and did NOT kill himself on his honeymoon with Laura, thus conclusively establishing his alibi and proving once and for all that he and Adolph are not the same person, though no one has ever proved that Adolph was not REINCARNATED in the person of George. Anyhow, reincarnation is some fishy un-American un-Christian concept from the teeming continent of Asia. No good redblooded American Christian boy could be possibly be the reincarnation of the worst German, which is to say, the worst human, in history---though it IS true that Werner von Braun, a Nazi rocket scientist, was later reincarnated as a kindly redblooded American rocket scientist. But that’s different. No one has ever conclusively proved that the German Werner von Braun and the American Werner von Braun were or were not the same person, though the American Werner did have a curiously Teutonic accent. And if they WERE the same person, then how could one have been the reincarnation of the other? Anyhow, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Henry Kissinger both have thick German accents, and yet nobody ever accused THEM of being reincarnations of Hitler OR Werner von Braun. In fact, if there are any more redwhiteandblue-blooded Americans than Arnold and Henry, I’d like to meet them.

On to education, because George says he’s the Education President. Hitler had a lousy education. I don’t know that for sure, I’m just guessing here, but I’d bet money on it. George had the best, classiest education money can buy. He went to a fancy boys’ prep school, he went to Yale, and he went to Harvard. So there you have it, proved again in a nutshell. George and Adolph are two very different guys. As young men, George was pulling fratboy pranks like getting arrested for painting houses in the middle of the night, while Adolph was dreaming at night of becoming a painter, and supporting himself as a housepainter in the harsh light of day. When he did get arrested it was for rabblerousing, not prankstering. Naturally, given the educational advantages George had over Adolph, only one of these men wrote a book all by himself. That man was Adolph, and the book was Mein Kampf. George has written plenty of stuff, too. But he has mastered a special category of writing----ghost writing. You see, when you’re born as wealthy and privileged as George was, you’re too busy having a good time to actually sit down and write your own stuff. So a ghost, or a whole flock of ghosts, do your writing for you. They also do lots of your talking for you. That’s called speechwriting. All important American leaders, and some not so important ones, are too important and too busy having a good time partying with lobbyists, to write what they say. Or to even think up what they say, though every once in a while George wanders off the reservation and says something his speechwriters and keepers haven’t told him to say. For example, right after 9/11 George said that the war against the Muslim terrorists was going to be a Crusade. This didn’t go down well with all the Middle Eastern Muslims who remember what a bummer the last big Christian Crusade was. So pretty soon after that George stopped using the C word, sticking with the E for Evil word instead. And the A word, as in Axis of Evil. So that pretty much proves, once again, that George and Adolph are two different people. Because Adolph was the LEADER of the Axis powers, while George wants to FIGHT the Axis.

Of course, the Axis that Adolph led consisted of Germany, Italy (until it went soft), and Japan. While the Axis that George said he wants to square off against consists of Iran, North Korea, and Iraq. So apparently the Old Axis has been re-incarnated as a New Axis. ---Just the kind of sneaky un-American un-Christian trick you’d expect a bunch of heathen foreign nations to pull. That raises a couple of theological questions: 1) Can a whole nation be re-incarnated as another nation? And: 2) Can an old beatup evil AXIS of nations be re-incarnated as a brand spanking new evil axis? Apparently so, because George said so, it’s on videotape if you doubt me, and when he said so, he said just what his speechwriters told him to say, so it must be so.

Which brings us to another crucial theological and political question: If Iraq is the incarnation of an Axis power, then is Saddam the re-incarnation of Hitler? Well, maybe so. Saddam, after all, has a mustache. And so did Adolph. Of course, they’re very different looking mustaches. But mustaches, nonetheless. Adolph had a mistress, Eva Braun. And Saddam has a great many mistresses. And wives, too. And some of his mistresses were once his followers’ wives. So that would seem to argue that Saddam is indeed the reincarnation of Adolph.

But if Saddam is the reincarnation of Adolph, does that make Iraq the reincarnation of Nazi Germany? Yes. So then the question is, is Iran the reincarnation of Italy, or Japan? And of what is North Korea the reincarnation? The answers are obvious to any redblooded American. Iran is the reincarnation of Italy because both nations start with the letter I. And North Korea is the reincarnation of Japan because the other two Axis answers have already been taken, and all that remains is to say that North Korea IS the old Imperial Japan. Anyhow, North Korea is just a hop, step, and a jump from Japan, and who can even TELL a North Korean from a Japanese, Imperial or otherwise? Certainly no redblooded American from Crawford, Texas, can. For that matter, it probably takes a Korean to tell a North Korean from a South Korean. It’s enough to know that South Koreans are the ones who make Hyundais, while North Koreans make A-bombs. The jury’s still out on which one, Hyundais or A-bombs, is worse. Right now there are lots more Hyundais than North Korean A-bombs, but the North Koreans are catching up fast.

A niggling question raises its head: If Iran is the reincarnation of Italy because Iran starts with I, then why can’t Iraq also be the incarnation of Italy? The answer is clear. Mussolini was bald and had no mustache, while Saddam has a nice healthy head of hair and a mustache as big as Saladin’s scimitar. Adolph also had a nice head of black hair. Therefore, Saddam is NOT the reincarnation of Mussolini but the incarnation of Hitler and because Hitler ruled Nazi Germany it follows, Q.E.D., that Iraq is the re-incarnation of Nazi Germany, NOT Mussolini’s Italy.

Also, Mussolini attacked Ethiopia back in the day, and so far Iraq has NOT attacked Ethiopia, preferring to attack Kuwait, instead. Iran, on the other hand, HAS attacked Iraq, just as Iraq has attacked Iran. (Attack Iraq. Has a nice ring to it, eh?) So if Iran is the reincarnation of Italy, and Iraq is the reincarnation of Germany, did Italy and Germany ever attack each other? Yes they did. ---Way the hell back when when Italy was Rome and Germany was a bunch of blue-faced boobies running around in the Black Forest. If you doubt me, go see the movie Gladiator. And as you can see, this once again proves that Iraq is the reincarnation of Germany and Iran is the reincarnation of Italy, which was, in its turn, the reincarnation of Rome.

Which brings us back to our original point: That is, now that we have definitively established that Iraq is Nazi Germany and that Saddam is Adolph Hitler and that George Bush, Jr, is NOT Adolph Hitler, just exactly who IS George, Jr, and whom is he reincarnated from and what nation, for that matter, is America incarnated from? The answer is obvious. George Bush, Jr, as his name implies, is the living incarnation of General George Washington, the father of our nation. And America is the living incarnation of the America who defeated the Axis powers back in 1945. Only this time America is fixing to open up a can of whupass against the New Nazi Germany, Iraq, and after that we’re going to give Mussolini’s Italy and Imperial Japan, I mean Iran and North Korea, what-for. Then we’re all going to party in Times Square like it’s 1945 and celebrate VE day and VJ day, and everything’s going to be just like it was way WAY before 9/11. All right, it won’t be Victory in Europe Day, it’ll be V-ME Day---Victory in the Middle East Day. And it won’t be Victory in Japan, it’ll be Victory in North Korea, it’ll be V-NK Day. But you get the idea. …Don’t you? And maybe we won’t bother with Iran and North Korea at all. But it’ll be a great day, whatever it’s called, when it comes.

Finally, there is the vexed question of Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda. Who are THEY reincarnated from? Osama has a mustache. Could he, too, be the reincarnation of Hitler? No, Saddam is Adolph Hitler. Saddam has dibs on Hitler. But there was another really evil guy with a big mustache. Joseph Stalin. So is Osama the reincarnation of Stalin? Maybe. But Osama has a beard and Stalin did not---that would seem to argue against Osama having been Stalin in a different life. Here’s what you should think about Osama. Nothing. We can’t find him. Ergo, he doesn’t exist. And even though he blew up the World Trade Center and Saddam didn’t, we’re swapping Osama for Saddam and saying Saddam is Adolph Hitler and Iraq is Nazi Germany and that’s that. Osama and Al Qaeda are up in the hills somewhere and someday we’re going to smoke ‘em out of their holes, but until that day comes don’t you worry about a thing because George Bush, Jr, is taking care of everything for you. And George is the reincarnation of the Father of Your Country. Who’s your daddy? George. And George is not Adolph. Saddam is Adolph until you hear otherwise. Got that clear now? Oh, and we’ll be fighting World War Two again on your behalf. The Four Freedoms, the Arsenal of Democracy, Guadalcanal, D-Day, the fire-bombing of Dresden, the A-bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima, the unconditional surrender on the deck of the battleship Missouri. It’ll all be a wonderful rerun. You see? The surprise attack on Pearl Harbor was the original incarnation of 9/11. Everything follows from there. You know already how it all comes out----with a big party in Times Square. George, Jr, is George Washington, Saddam is Adolph Hitler, George, Jr, is NOT Adolph Hitler because Saddam is Adolph and both of ‘em can’t be Adolph. So relax, sit back, and enjoy the show. Everything’s being taken care of for you. You won’t have to do a thing. Unless you’re in the Army Reserves. Then get off your couch and get ready to be activated. The show’s about to begin and you’re in it.