Thursday, May 04, 2006

Pump it up! Pump it up!

4/27/06

Pump it up! Pump it up!

I’m a tad puzzled by Fearless Leader's promise to probe gasoline price-fixing. Will he be performing a live proctoscopic exam during a State of the Union address to see how far he can get his head up his own ass? Given how well oiled and stretched his spincter is from constant penetration by oil execs, and given what a pinhead he is, it should be very easy for him to get all up inside hisself, poking around in the blackness, the pipes, the corruption, the stench, trying to find who or what is ripping off John Q. Public at the pump.

Given the love Dick Cheney and Chevron Tanker Condoleeza Rice bear for the oil industry, I think it only fair that they, too, should stick their heads up their rear exits to see if they can find the oily offenders. Maybe, if Dick searches hard enough after penetrating himself, he can find those nasty, greedy, inept no-bid Halliburton contractors that ate $100 million plus to fix a critical Iraq pipeline while accomplishing nothing. Nothing. Nothing but lining their own pockets. Maybe, if Dick is really determined, he can smoke the oil execs who helped determine, and undermine, federal energy policy back in 2001 out of their, and/or his, holes. Maybe, if Dick rummages around hard enough inside that bottomless black hole of Dickdom, he can find the rotten bastards who have scoffed so ferociously over the past 5 1/2 years at any attempt to conserve oil, make domestic energy use more inefficient, impose stricter MPG limits on the auto industry, encourage alternative energy sources, and reduce dependency on foreign oil.

I'm frankly worried about the President's use of the word "probe." Everybody knows it's inverts and aliens that favor probes. What if the President himself has been probed by aliens and replaced by a gay alien? --Because it is impossible to imagine the REAL President Chimp inveighing against greedy oil industry execs. He IS a greedy oil exec. True, he was a complete failure as greedhead of his own, bankrupt, drilling firm. Just as he is a complete failure as President. But that doesn't mean he can't successfully drill himself.

After all, he has successfully drilled the rest of us. He's drilled the American people, he's drilled New Orleans, he's drilled Iraq, and as God is his witness, he will drill the Alaskan Wilderness and as much of the rest of the environment as he can get his drill bit into if it kills him! He’s going to drill the whole World, including himself, or die trying!

Am I remembering wrong, or did W say, at his second inauguration: "Ask not what your country for you, ask what you can do for the oil corporations"? And did he not add: "A filling station divided against itself cannot stand"?

W, a coke addict----and once an addict, always an addict---reminds us that we are all addicted to oil. But I'm not sure I understand what he's suggesting we do about it. Should we shift to positive addictions to Jesus, exercise, and oil, as he did? But we're already addicted to oil and we want to get off the stuff! Oh sure, it's OK for him to be addicted to oil, he can afford it. He takes his counsel straight from The Lord. I'm sure on more than one occasion he's asked: "What would Jesus be addicted to?" And Lord Jesus has told him oil. What could BE more Christian and American than oil? Jesus himself probably has oil, the sweet light low sulfur stuff, running through his veins.

I'll bet when George drinks communion wine, that wine is high octane unleaded. The body of George himself is surely nothing but petroleum and petroleum based products. He sounds like oil, he smells like oil, he looks like oil. He must BE oil. Oil. This is the body and the blood of Our Lord, who died and became organic matter which was subjected, deep underground, to stupendous geological heat and pressure over millions of years and became black gold so that we could be delivered from the bondage of horse-drawn transportation. Same goes for Condi and Dick. They’re the very embodiment of Oil. Oil in three persons, Oily Trinity. So there's only one solution to the oil crisis. Conduct exploratory drilling on all three. They must hold billions of barrels of the stuff. Greatest untapped reserves on the planet.

Now there are some as say that Dick and W are America’s last great remaining unregulated psychosociopathic wildernesses, and that Condi is America’s last great American virgin oil wilderness, and that within them lie great wide open free spaces full of the freedom and free trade and free markets that evildoers hate. There are some as say it would be an outrage to desecrate their oily, oil-based, freedom with derricks and pipelines and big ol’ leaks. But I say that there is nothing freer than oily leaks and that leaking is what this White House does best. True, it’s not OK for others to leak. In fact, if anybody but our Fearless Leaders leak, it’s treason. But if Dick and W and Karl have to leak in order to save us from whistleblowers and covert CIA agents and oil-haters, then God love ‘em!

So leakage in the Bush/Cheney/Rice National Oil-life Refuge will not be an ecological disaster, it will be a beautiful thing. Once again we must ask ourselves: What would Jesus have leaked? And the answer is self-evident: oil. He would have leaked more oil than a ’72 Pinto, he would have leaked oil over the Constitution, he would have leaked it over the caribou feeding and breeding grounds, he would have spewed burning oil and natural gas into the atmosphere until it melted Greenland and sank Florida. Jesus would have done whatever he had to to spread the Gospel of Oil over the wide world, because oil is life and oil is love and Jesus is eternal life and eternal love and eternal oil. Yes, Jesus IS oil. Halleluia and Halliburton! Amen, brother! Feels so nice we better say it twice. Feels so nice we better eat it on Rice. Halleluia and Halliburton! Praise the Lord and pass the petroleum!

1 Comments:

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