Saturday, December 17, 2005


So it turns out the Bushies used illegal cell phone taps back in 2003 to bust an Ohio truckdriver, Lyman Faris, who was planning to take down the Brooklyn Bridge with a blowtorch. Wow. Now we know it's that easy won't some pedestrian commuter do it on his way to work? Just to see it happen? And was Mr. Lyman Faris in the news back in 2003? Seriously, folks: how LONG would it have taken him to take down the Brooklyn Bridge with a blowtorch? Two minutes? Two years? Do you think anyone would have noticed while he was blowtorching? You know, some passing motorist, or a stray suicide about him to fling himself into the river? Whew! Good thing NASA, or NSA, or whoever it was, nipped THIS ONE in the bud!

So does this mean maybe the Brooklyn Bridge is all wired up to one tiny nexus, and all you have to do is blowtorch that little joint, or even snip it with a wirecutter, and kabloom!, de whole ting tumble into de East River, mon!!!! You see how it be? It come unraveled, mon!!! All de wires go wild, like de hair on de Rasta mon!

And after de Brooklyn Bridge collapse, why, everybody in Park Slope be STUCK der! Can't get into their good jobs on Wall Street! Have to work outta PC's in der homes! Drive der wives crazy getting into de fridge in the middle of the de day! Always in der hair! Usedta be, wives could entertain milkmen, postmen, all de lovers, while hubby is in Stock Exchange, bringing home de bacon. But what will wives do now? Have to do without that extramarital love what made their marriages and drear lives tolerable! Whole borough of Brooklyn go crazy pretty soon, wit' angry frustrated horny broker wives raging at der husbands, beating on der children, mout'ing off to der mothers-in-law, ragging & raging at der rabbis.

This Mr. Lyman Faris was de very debbil with his plan to destroy de Brooklyn Bridge! And tink of all de swindlers, mon! How dey gonna sell de Bridge if de Bridge tumble down! Suddenly tens of tousandz of swindlers and conmen all over Nort' America be outta work! Whole economy tumble into de East River wit' de Bridge!!

Brokers on Wall Street be wired tight anyway, because der horny wives be beatin' on dem, be screeching day long. Den de economy take de downturn wit' loss of cash flow to de swindlers, and unbalanced brokers panic on NYSE, NASDAQ, start sellin' sellin' sellin', stock markets drop faster den de Brooklyn Bridge! Collapse of stock markets have brokers trowin' demselves into de River, brokers' wives murdering der husbands, sexually frustrated postman going postal all over de town. Pretty soon, American collapse leads to worldwide economic collapse, chaos, Armaggeddon, End of Days!

De Lion King of Judah & Abysinnia, Emperor Highly Salacious, rise outta his grave, giant rasta locks pouring down from his skull, big ol' cigar-sized joint puffin' away in his lipless mout', and take over what's left of de world! He tell all the farmers to forget dat corn, dat sorghum, just plant de hemp. Soon de wartorn world is covered with hemp! Tree year olds in pre-school be toking up like old junkies! 99 year old grannies be sucking down de smoke in de rest homes!

Sure, whole sad world in tatters, gone to hell in a hand basket. But nobody care! They all high! Don't worry, be happy! Dat de real plan of Mr. Lyman Faris. To make Brooklyn, and Wall Street, and de whole world, kind of a paradise! But it ain't going to happen now, mon! Because de Cheney mon spy on Mr. Lyman Faris, foil his miraculous plot! So here we be, still stuck in dis trough of despond, scratching hard to raise a couple sativa bushes in de backyard, dodgin' de cops, no comforting high to protect us from de miseries of de world.

Dot's what dat phone surveillance hath wrought, my friend! More endless turns on the wheel of sufferin' when all mankind really needs is a solid, endless, hempy, high! And don't bogart dat joint, mon! Pass it over here quick! We don't got nuthin' to waste!