Friday, June 11, 2004

Rongressmen & Ronators



I notice that the DeLay Congress is moving to put Raygun's face on just about everything. I wish they WOULD start chipping away at Mt Rushmore----just so I could see if Ron's face fit. And if it doesn't? Start blasting away at El Capitan in Yosemite. And while we're at it, why stop at the dime or the $50 bill? Why not put his face on ALL the currency? Now that we're on a roll, let's name every street & avenue & boulevard & freeway after him. And all the churches & synagogues (The Little Kirk of St. Reagan, The Cathedral of St Ron the Avenger, the Church of the Great Communicator, Temple Beth El Ronnie), too.

Why stop there? We've named one airport after him. Why not the rest? After all, who was O'Hare, anyway? Probably just some Chitown machine politician. Shoot, Ron was BORN in Illinois. So why not change O'Hare to Reaganair, or maybe, O'Reagan? And who remembers who Fiorello La Guardia was? Let's call it Fiorello La Reagan. And over in Queens JFK has had his walk in the sun. Time to redub JFK: Ronald Wilson Reagan International Airport. "Take me to RWR." True, the Pakistani hacks in New York won't be able to understand or pronounce it, and if you're drunk, you won't be able to mouth it either. But won't you love rolling those conservative Reaganian syllables around in your mouth after years of memorializing arch liberal JFK?

Sure, it might get a bit confusing if ALL the airports were named Reagan, but think how good it would feel, knowing you were never going to be far from Ron? Even if you got mixed up and went to the wrong destination because all destinations were Ron, you'd still have the consolation of knowing that you were landing in Reaganland. How bad could THAT be?

And while we're at it, why not name our CITIES after him, as well. Let's start with St. Paul and St Louis, which can become St. Ron and St. Reagan. Then let's move west to Santa Barbara, which, with a nod to the First Lady, becomes Santa Nancy. And Los Angeles, of course, becomes Los Reaganes. And Hollywood? Reaganwood. And Santa Monica is, natch, Santa Ronica. Moving north, San Francisco must be rechristened San Roncisco. Ron-a-roni, the San Ronfroncisco treat!

And why stop at cities? Why not the states? So you've got North and South Ronalina, as well as New Ronsey and New Reaganork. And don't forget North and South Ronkota and their neighbors, Rontana, Ronniesota, Ronconsin, Nebreagan, Ronyoming, Idaron, Ronegon, Ronington, Rontah, Ronorado, Ronsas, Arkanron, Oklarona, Arirona, New Reaganexico, Ronxas, Reaganouisiana, Ronalabama, Ronessee, Ronissiissippi, Reaganorida, Roneorgia, Ronginia, West Ronginia, Ronsylvania, Ronmont, Ronhampshire, Ronnecticutt, Ronnassachusetts, and Rogaine. Filling in the blanks around the Great Lakes gives us Ronhio, Rondiana, Reaganichigan, Rontucky, and Roniowa. And let's not forget Reaganaska and Reaganahii.

So what does that leave? You know it! Ronifornia here we come, right back where we started from!

But why stop at the states? What's wrong with the United States of Ronerica? Or would you prefer the United States of Reaganomica? You're right. They both have a wonderful ring. So I propose we call our beloved nation Ronerica and Reaganomica on alternate days----Ronerica on even dates, Reaganomica on odds. The House of Representatives, soon to become the Rongressional House of Reagansentatives, could pass a bill and send it over on to the Senate, soon-to-be Ronate, to make it law. I'm sure the Rongressmen and Ronators would be eager to vote it through.

But why stop at OUR great nation? Surely other nations, if they knew what was good for them, would want to rename themselves after St. Reagan. So the sensible thing to do is threaten them with nuqular extinction and pre-emptive invasion unless they change their names to Ronada, Ronexico, Ronecuador, Reagananama, Reaganolombia, Reaganezuela, Reaganuyama, Ronidad and Ronago, Ronzil, Ronuruguay, Reagantina, Reaganile, Ronolivia, and Ronaraguay. And why stop at the Western Hemisphere? We could have Rongo and Ronegal and Ronganyika and Ronganda and Rongola and Reaganeroon. Moving north gives us Ronitaly, Reaganitzerland, the Netherrons, and Ronmark. And let's not forget those Asian giants: Ronina, Ronindia, and Rondonesia.

But why stop at mere nations? We must have North Ronerica & South Ronerica, Reaganaustralia, Ronarctica, Ronasia, Ronafrica, and Eureagan.

Whew. On the 7th day we can rest again, but we ain't quite there yet. Let's go on to the waters on the face of the earth, starting with The Great Ron Lake, Lake Ronperior, Lake Ronron, Lake Reaganerie, and Lake Rontario. Then you've got the Roneterranian Sea, the Ronlantic Ocean, The South Ronina Sea, The Rondian Ocean, The Ronibbean Sea, The Roncific Ocean, the Ronarctic Ocean, and the Reaganaractic Ocean.

Now we're getting somewhere! Little remains but the Earth, which we hereby redub Ron's World, and the sun, which becomes the RonReagansun or just Run, for short. Then there's the Solar System, henceforth to be called the Ronlar System, with all its constituent planets and satellites, to wit: Roncury, Ronus, Ronsworld, Ronars, Reaganupiter, Ronturn, Rontune, Ronsanus, and Reaganuto.

Lawsy. What's left? Our own Milky Way galaxy, henceforth and forever the Ronny Way. And the universe, natch. That's now the Roniverse.

And ourselves? Every damn one of us shall be called Ron Reagan.....or Ronette honor of the Great Communicator. I know, I know, this could get confusing. But not if we all have barcodes tattooed on our foreheads. And we can get numbers issued to us by John Ashcroft and the FBI so we, and he, can keep track of us-----for security reasons, understand. So then you might be, for example, Ron Reagan #42,708,656. And I might be Ron Reagan #301,000,099. Won't it be wonderful knowing that everywhere you turn you'll meet another Ron or Ronette? Even John Ashcroft himself will have to be redubbed Ron Reagan Ashcroft. But I'm sure he'll get with the program.

So will President W have to become President Ron W Reaganbush? You betcha! And that guy in the bunker is henceforth Vice President Rondick Reagancheney.

I'll let you fill in the rest of the blanks. Interpolate. Extrapolate. Have a ball.

Only one bit of re-christening remains. You guessed it. The Big Enchilada, The Big Kahuna, Himself. God. Yahweh. What you will. Which do you prefer? RonGod? Reaganod? Ronweh? Ronjovah? Reaganovah? Reaganuddha? Ronishna? Ronallah? And then there's the rest of the Holy Trinity, the Holy Reaganghost and Ronjesus, son of Reaganod.

But as long as we've gone this far, why not go all the way and just replace all the words in the language with Ron Reagan? No more confusing verbs and prepositions and adjectives and proper and common nouns. No more brainteasing conjunctions and conjunctive adverbs. No more headaches from expletives and epithets and interjections. No need to distinguish gerunds from infinitives. From now on, forever and ever, we can simplify our language and our thought and just say Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron. Everything, every declaration every interrogation every exclamation, every call and response, will be Ron or Reagan or Ron Reagan:
“Ronreagan ronreagan ronreagan ronreagan ronreagan ronreagan ronreagan!!”



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