Monday, October 13, 2003

Letting Rush Be Rush



“Rush Limbaugh, you’ve just resigned from your ESPN job after trashing Donovan McNabb AND been busted for drug use. Where are you going to go?”

“Back to Rush’s World, where a man is free to be as hypocritical as he has to be to earn $32 million a year. That is, AFTER I get out of rehab.”

“But what would you have done if you HADN’T blown your ESPN job?”

“I would have continued to expose the affirmative action hypocrisy that underlies black sports in America.”

“I’m not sure I follow….”

“Donovan McNabb isn’t the ONLY black athlete propped up by the liberal media! There was Willie Mays….”

“But Willie Mays was a pretty good all round ballplayer. Maybe the best.”

“Willie Mays couldn’t hit his way out of a wet copy of Ebony.”

“He had over 600 homers, over 3000 hits…..”

“That was a fantasy perpetrated by New York Pinko Jewish sportswriters. Mays was strictly bush league. Negro League, to be precise.”

“But what about The Play, when he snagged Vic Wertz’s liner deep in centerfield?”

“More lies. That liner was actually caught by a more deserving white man. The liberal media then blacked in his face in the newsreel footage and made the whole world THINK Willie Mays ran down that ball. The real Willie Mays had manos de piedra and never should have been allowed to take a major league job from a deserving white player.”

“Wow. All these years I’ve been living in a dream world.”

“Wake up and smell the coffee. Muhammed Ali is ANOTHER liberal lie.”

“Wait a second. I’ve SEEN Ali fight. He was the fastest heavyweight ever.”

“He was strictly a bum, a glassjawed nobody with concrete feet created and managed by Eleanor Roosevelt.”

“Eleanor Roosevelt was a fight promoter?”

“The biggest. But it was all behind the scenes. She decided that Ingmar Johannson was too white and that a black man deserved the heavyweight championship of the world, so she put diplomatic pressure on the Swedes to force Johannson to take a fall in his bout with Floyd Patterson. And then she decided that Floyd Patterson was too white, as well. So she and the NAACP intimidated Floyd Patterson into dumping his bout with Cassius Clay, as he was known back then. And that’s how Ali became heavyweight champ of the world. You see, Eleanor, being the archetypal bleeding heart liberal, wanted to give the job to the blackest man she could. And she knew that Clay, with his uppity ways and big mouth, was way blacker and badder than Patterson.

“But if you ever LOOKED at Floyd Patterson and Clay together in the same ring, why, you’d see that Floyd was several shades blacker than Clay.”

“But in his heart, Clay was blacker than Floyd. And that’s what the liberal conspiracy wanted.”

“Wow. The mind reels.”

“And that’s not all. Jesse Owens couldn’t run OR jump.”

“Said it ain’t so, Rush! Jesse Owens was the greatest track athlete in history! He showed Hitler a thing or two at the 1936 Olympics!”

“Eleanor and FDR and the NAACP created that whole lie. Jesse Owens could barely walk, much less run. He was pigeon-toed and crippled by rickets. There were hundreds of white men more deserving of a place on the 1936 Olympic squad. But those liberal Democrats gave Owens the job out of pity, just because he had black skin.”

“But what about all the races he won? What about the Olympic record he set in the long jump that held up for years?”

“The real Jesse Owens was a janitor from Chicago who couldn’t hop over his own mop. When it came time for him to compete in public, the liberals took an anonymous white man, painted him black, and forced him to compete under Owens’s name.”

“That’s outrageous.”

“Affirmative action always is, my friend.”

“What about George Bush, Jr? Didn’t he benefit from affirmative action, too? I mean his grades were never very good, yet he was a legacy admission to Yale. And he was admitted to the Air National Guard over more qualified candidates. And he can barely talk, yet the Supreme Court declared him President….”

“That’s exactly my point. George Bush, Jr., is actually a black man who used to work as a chauffeur for Ted Kennedy. Kennedy had him painted white and passed him off as the REAL George Bush after the real George Bush was killed in a heroic dogfight over Hanoi in 1970.”

“President George W. Bush is a creation of the liberal conspiracy?!”

“Don’t be so shocked. W can barely talk. Do you think a REAL white man and graduate of Yale College would be that inarticulate?”

“But why would the liberals do that?”

“Because they’re bleeding hearts. They still feel guilty about slavery. They just can’t stop themselves from giving jobs to black men, jobs that should be going to better qualified whites. Also, they want to make conservatives look bad. I mean, do you think a REAL conservative would run up the deficits that W has? If that’s not the behavior of a tax and spend liberal, what is?”

“But he looks so……WHITE.”

“So does Michael Jackson. So what.”

“Rush, you never cease to amaze me. What are your sources?”

“They’re all secret. If I told you, I or Gordon Liddy would have to kill you. But I can tell you that going deaf and becoming addicted to Oxycontin have opened me up to some mindblowing received truths.”

“Just one last question, Rush. What about…..Dick Cheney. Is HE really white? He’s not another liberal mole, is he?”

“Rest assured, Cheney is as white as white gets. He’s whiter than white. He’s like a coconut cake in a snowstorm.”

“And he was never the beneficiary of affirmative action?”

“Never. I’m here to tell you Cheney has never benefited from, nor taken, an affirmative action in his life. He’s ENTIRELY negative.”

“Thank you, Rush. I think I’ll sleep easier tonight, knowing there’s a whiter shade of pale just a heartbeat away from the Presidency.”

“But don’t get me started on Colin Powell.”

“I won’t. You can save those revelations for your next radio show, Rush. If you still HAVE one after your race and drug scandals blow over.”

“Don’t you worry about Rush. I’m scandal-proof. The more scurrilously scandalous I am, the better my listeners like me. As long as there are redblooded American whiteguys needing to hear what I’ve got to say, Rush will be Rush.”


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