Tuesday, June 24, 2003

The Ant & the Grasshopper

From Auntie Condi’s Fables for Young Republicans:


After getting drafted and serving in the Nam, young Citizen Ant went to work, faithfully making regular contributions (in addition to paying his income taxes) at the rate of 7.5% of his income to Social Security & Medicare.

Meanwhile, young Grasshopper used his dad's social standing to get into Yale and earned a gentleman's C while majoring in incipient dipsomania and cokeheadedness. Graduating at the height of the Viet Nam war, Grasshopper again used his dad's strings to leverage his way into the Texas National Guard over the heads of more qualified candidates. The Grasshopper, just like the Quayle, was glad to use the Guard as a way to get out of going to Nam, but Grasshopper didn't stop there. He went AWOL (anything over 30 days is actually desertion, but who's counting when your dad runs the CIA?) for a couple years but somehow his records were lost and no harm, no foul, he was granted an "honorable" discharge.

Said Grasshopper hopped on to more drinks and drugs, then found Jesus, who led him to set up a few oil companies which went bankrupt.

Meanwhile, the Citizen Ant was keeping his nose clean and dutifully paying his payroll taxes and contributing to his 401K plan and looking forward to a secure retirement.

Grasshopper, again exploiting his dad's prestige, served as front man for a ballteam, became Guv'nor of Texas, OKayed a couple hundred executions, and with his brother Jeb's and a "homer" Supreme Crt's help stole the 2000 Prexy election in Florida. President Grasshopper wasn't doing very well in the polls until he presided over the greatest intelligence failure in U.S. History, scuttled around like a scared rabbit on 9/11, and then turned Ground Zero into a photo op and rode the cataclysm to a 90% approval rating. He told America, and Citizen Ant, that we were going to have to make some sacrifices during the coming Perpetual War on Liberalism. Then he gave the upper 1% and corporate interests a gigantic tax break.

Ant was a bit uneasy, but because he was a dumb fucken chump he kept faith with President Grasshopper. By and by President Grasshopper told a few whoppers to Congress about Saddam and engineered the Iraq invasion, and the war fever helped Republicans take both houses in 2002. No sooner did President "Top Gun" Grasshopper, during a vomitously phony photo op on a flattop, pronounce the "war" "over," then he granted a gigantic new trillion dollar tax cut to the wealthy while tossing crumbs to Citizen Ant.

Poor Ant, exhausted by decades of faithful labor, checked his 401K plan and found it had been destroyed by Enron-style corporate chicanery. Then he nervously reassured himself, saying: "At least I'll have my Social Security and Medicare in my old age." "No, you chumped out fuck, you won't," said his wife. "President Grasshopper has plunged the nation fantastically deep into debt and mortgaged our futures with his warmongering and his gigantic tax breaks for the rich. By the time you retire, the government, in order to pay its bills, will have broken into the Social Security "lockbox" and emptied it out. Better get ready to sleep in a cardboard box when you're 80, sucker."

So Citizen Ant got shafted as thanks for his years of faithful service to Corporate America. And President Grasshopper? He was elected to a second term, continued to transfer the wealth of the nation to his already-rich cronies, and then retired to his ranch in Crawford, where he was free to play cowboy while Republican fundraisers bought more elections and President Jeb continued handing the nation's wealth over to corporate cronies.

The Moral? Thank God, or Rupert Murdoch, the Citizen Ants of the middle and working classes are dumb enough to vote Republican! Either they must enjoy fucking themselves or else they're just too stupid to live.


Post a Comment

<< Home