Thursday, July 28, 2005

A Bit of the Ol' In 'n Out


A Bit of the Ol’ In ‘n Out

I was wonderstruck to hear Field Marshall von Rumsfeld and General Go-Along-to-Get-Along Casey, the Army Commanding General in Iraq, say that things are progressing so beautifully in Iraq that pretty soon we’ll be able to pull out lots of Americans and leave the job of fighting the civil war or keeping the peace or being clay pigeons for endless IED’s or whatever-it-is-we’re-doing to the new Iraqi army we claim to be building over there.

Of course, we’ve built 3rd World puppet armies before, only to see them collapse like marionettes once we declared victory and pulled out, but this time I foresee a wunderbar new strategie on the horizon: Of course Iraq will plunge into civil war, turmoil, chaos, etc., just as soon as we pull out. It’s already IN civil war, turmoil, chaos, etc., and we haven’t even left yet. It’ll just be in WORSE civil war, turmoil, chaos, etc. And that’s……OK.

Because we can simply re-invade! Over and over. For as many times as it takes to cure what ails us AND them. After all, we had a much easier time invading the place than we do occupying it. So why try to occupy it at all? Why not just go in and out and in and out and in? It’ll be so…..SEXY! One military-industrial mega-orgasmo after another! I mean, as long as they still have oil. Once all the oil’s gone, we can just leave what’s left of the rubble and wounded to their own devices.

There are some as say it would be a mistake to let Iraq become a failed state. But isn’t it ALREADY a failed state? Isn’t it ALREADY a staging ground for terrorists? And didn’t we make it so by overstaying our welcome?

The real problem is that every time we try to occupy the damn dump we become sitting ducks for every Tom, Dick, Ibrahim, and Ali that wants to take a potshot at us. So why not become moving targets instead of sitting ones? They couldn’t hit us during the 2003 invasion so why should they be able to hit us next time? This perpetual invasion and pullout and re-invasion will pay all sorts of collateral dividends, to wit: The Republicans can time each invasion and accompanying patriotic frenzy to coincide with an upcoming elections, thus locking in the GOP vote for the next century or so.

And the military will no longer need to use scarce American real estate for maneuvers. We can just declare all of Iraq a permanent training ground for our tanks, our jets, our infantry & artillery. Most of the country is either a blasted battlefield or an ecological no-man’s-land anyhow, so what’s the loss? The damage to Iraqi cities, you say? Have you SEEN Fallujah? It’s ALREADY rubble. How much more can we damage those hornets’ nests in the Sunni Triangle? They’re already a write off. And the hornets, er, ah, Iraqis themselves?

I have a solution to that, or rather to them, as well. Just declare the whole country a free fire zone. That’s what we did in Nam. Every time we re-invade, we can drop leaflets over Mosul, or Baghdad, or the whole damn kit an’ caboodle, warning them their country is about to become a free fire zone and if they know what’s good for them they’ll get the hell out of there and if they DON’T get the hell out then they’re obviously the enemy and we’ll have no choice but to blow them to hell, or paradise, or whatever is waiting for them in the next world.

And as for bringing democracy to Iraq, well hell, that’s clearly unworkable. Those people, those Kurds & Sunnis & Shiites, HATE each other almost as much as Red Staters hate Blue Staters, almost as much as Southerners hate Yankees, almost as much as rich Republicans hate the poor. And with that kind of hatred a civil, democratic, society is, of course, impossible. That’s why George Bush has instituted a de facto monarchy here in the States, and that’s why we’ve got to quit kidding ourselves and stop trying to impose a democracy on a failed state in Iraq. We’ve conducted an end-run around our own democracy---we replaced it 25 years ago with a corporate kleptocracy---and no longer know, have quite forgotten, what the hell democracy means anyhow. It’s just a slogan in the States, so why get hung up on establishing it in Iraq?

I understand how someone might say: If we DO declare the whole damn country a freefire zone, where the hell will the surviving Iraqis go? The short answer is: elsewhere.

But you might also say: “The Iraqis have lived in Iraq for goddamned forever. There were Mesopotamian civilizations 7,000 years ago.” To which I say: all the more reason for a change of venue.

“But where?” you bleeding heart towelhead-loving liberals will persist in asking.

And I have the answer to that, too. The answer lies in a meteorological phenomenon whose existence the Bush Administration is finally getting around to admitting: Global Warming. The world, the Bushies now agree, is getting hotter and hotter. They don’t admit it’s because of burning fossil fuels, of course. They just admit it’s getting hot as hades, Jesus knows why. But that’s not all bad. Now that the Arctic Ice Pack is melting, why not ship those pesky Iraqis up north? There are probably banana trees growing in the Yukon by now, great forests of orange & date groves taking root in Siberia and on the shores of Hudson’s Bay, camels replacing polar bears & walruses, so why not let the Iraqis move in? They’ll probably think they’ve landed in a gigantic oasis, in, dare I say it, Paradise itself.

And if Canada and Russia don’t feel like admitting 25 million angry Arabs, why, just ship them to Greenland, whose glaciers are melting like butter on hotcakes! Greenland is huge! Even without the Mercator projections it makes Iraq look like a postage stamp. And who’s going to say, “No, you can’t come here?” The Eskimos? Think again. The Eskimos in Greenland all work for the U. S. Military. They’ll do anything we goddamned tell them to do or they’ll lose their P.X. jobs and shopping privileges. Or maybe you’ll remind me that Greenland is a Danish Protectorate and that the Danes are a bunch of bleeding heart socialists who wouldn’t want to be a part of this great experiment.

Have you ever got an eyeful of the Danish Navy? They might as well be in dragon ships and wear Viking horned helmets. We could blow them out of the water with two or three P.T. boats. We wouldn’t even have to use the Navy. We could just dispatch a couple Coast Guard cutters. And what a great training exercise that would be for Coast Guard Academy cadets!

Now there are some bleeding heart appeasers out there who may object that constantly invading and re-invading Iraq would inflame the whole Moslem World and bring a firestorm of terrorism onto the shores of our Motherland or Vaterland or Homeland or Bushland Uber Alles or whatever the hell we’re calling ourselves these days. To which I say, in the words of our fearless Kommandant: “Bring ‘em on!” We shall fight them on the beaches of Malibu, we shall fight them on the Washington mall, we shall fight them in the NBA where the players grow tall, we shall never surrender, we shall fight them on the freeways where commuters crawl, from California, to the New York Island, from the redwood forests, to the Gulf Stream waters, we shall never stop fighting or making our rivers and streets run red with redblooded American blood.

And why? Because we are committed to a perpetual war on terror, and we must do what we can to keep the fires of that war stoked so that it will remain perpetual. And if we get tired of invading and re-invading Iraq, maybe because we’ve bombed it so flat, so target-poor, that there’s no longer a there there, why then, we’ll just have to find someplace target-richer to bomb. We could, for example, invade North Korea. But we’ve BEEN there before and it wasn’t much fun. So maybe we better pick another country, one with better food and targets and prettier, looser, gals.

One like……Denmark. They’re practically Commies there anyhow. And it would be very easy to make amphibious landings: The whole damn thing’s a peninsula. And it would be a playground for our tanks: It’s flat as a board. Plus, we could prepare for the whole invasion in England, just like we did back in WWII. When we landed in Denmark, we could tell ourselves it was a second D-Day. Denmark Day. We wouldn’t even be lying. And it would be easy for us occupants to communicant with the occupants. Most Danes speak better English than we do.

The Danes deserve whatever we give them. They’re the ones I was just telling you about who tried to stop us from shipping the Iraqis to Greenland! Another nice thing about invading Denmark: It’s nominally a Christian country. So we wouldn’t have the Moslems on our back anymore. And it’s more democratic than we are, so it wouldn’t be so tough for us to establish a democracy there because there already is one. In fact, the Danes might be able to teach US a thing or two about democracy and who knows, in a couple centuries we might be ready to re-introduce it to the States……

The grand thing is, the Danes are more or less peaceful and unarmed. Unlike the mofo Iraqis with their 10 AK 47’s in every household and their tribal vendettas, the Danes haven’t been into murder, rape, looting, & pillaging since Viking days. So we’ll be able to murder, rape, loot, & pillage them at will. And Denmark is ever so much richer & wetter & prettier a country than Iraq…….hell, it’s even way cleaner and neater than the STATES. Pillaging and looting it will be ten times as much fun as picking through the rubble in Fallujah or Mosul. And I don’t need to remind you what a gas it’ll be for our redblooded American boys to interrogate & Gitmo-ize those pretty blonde defenseless sexually precocious Danish babes! I’ll leave that your overheated redblooded American imaginations! And our Army enlistment problems will be over. Solved. We’ll meet our recruiting quotas overnight. I mean, there are legions of American tourists who PAY to visit Denmark. Can you imagine how many unemployed recent high school grads will volunteer for the combat arms when they find out they’ll be PAID to shock & awe Denmark?! And no goddamned desert heat or wind or sand!

The big downside with Denmark, of course, is that it has no oil, so why bother to blow it to hell in the first place? And the answer, of course, is because we can, because who’s going to tell us we can’t? The American people will learn to hate the Danes just as soon as we’re told that the Danes are holding Weapons of Mass Destruction under their ferris wheel at the Tivoli. When Condi or Rummy or Cheney tells us that something is rotten in the state of Denmark and that it’s a secret member of the Nuqular Club and that the Danes have missiles capable of traversing the North Atlantic, missiles with nuqular warheads aimed right at the heart of New York, New Orleans, Boston, Chicago, and Seattle, why, what can we do but believe them? Disbelief would be downright unpatriotic and appeasing. How could they NOT have nukes? Wasn’t Neils Fukken Bohr, the father of quantum mechanics, a Dane?! We’ll have no choice but mount up on our warhorses and kick Danish butt in Copenhagen so we don’t have to fight the marauding Viking bastards on Jones Beach and the Hamptons and Myrtle Beach and Cape Cod and Trancas & Zuma & Daytona & Balboa.

Surprise bonus: The Danskers aren’t ENTIRELY energy-poor. I hear they have giant electric power generating windmills set up in the North Sea. Soon as we invade the damn place we can take over those eco-safe windmills and snatch that tasty renewable green electric power for ourselves! It’ll be BETTER than Iraq because it’ll be cleaner. We won’t be contributing to global warming! Which we don’t admit to contributing to anyway, but I’m just saying….

And after we’ve flattened Denmark? Shoot. Nuthin’ could be easier. There are 200-plus un-invaded virgin countries out there just askin’ for it. Give the globe a spin and stick in a pin.

Now, are there any MORE questions?

I didn’t THINK so.



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